thornyasarose's Blog

It's here. Autumn has swept into our days and nights, in all her glory. She really is most beautiful. True, she doesn't have the youthful or unblemished glow of Spring. What Autumn possesses is something much deeper. She harbors buried treasures. To find the treasures involves spending quality time with her. A dedication to see past the apparent. The ability to expand one's view beyond the surface, outside of the limitations of conventional thinking... The nuggets of gold are there, and she is most willing to share, but one must be capable of knowing True Beauty. Tried and True Beauty. Each morning and evening I look into the mirror and see that my reflection bears less and less resemblance to what it was during the Spingtime of my life. I occasionally can see the tell-tale signs of a developing wrinkle. Sadly, my hair is somewhat thinner and has lost its natural glazed appearance. My eyelashes and eyebrows now require a bit of "help" to be visible enough to be noticable. The plumpness of my lips seems to be shrinking away, as the plumpness of my hips becomes more apparent. It is true, the youthful glow and freshness of Sping is now a memory. It is firmly situated in my past, almost phantom-like. So what now??? Well, to begin with, I have made it!!! I have shown myself worthy, to all of creation, of remaining an active participant in this ever-changing journey of life! I have been granted an "Autumn". So now I find myself snuggling up with my own Autumn, whispering our own language to one another. Yes, Autumn has arrived. So have I!!! We're both pretty, you know.

I have come to the realization that I must be an Autumn Soul. As Summer is rapidly receding, and the days are no longer so hot that even the weeds wilt, I feel that sensation arising within me, the one I only feel as the Autumn approaches. I am excited each spring. The newly budding trees and bushes, the daffodils,irises,tulips,fresh new sprouts of all the beloved foliage that I treasure rapidly present themselves to beautify the world. And summer, I hold it dear, and relax and marvel at its glory. Then, as Autumn approaches, that stirring within my very Being occurs. Something ignites within me upon The Arrival of Autumn. A life. An Energy. A Force that only exists when Autumn presents herself. We are Kindred. We unite and exist in harmony. Life is Bigger. Secrets are stirred up. As some go to sleep, others awaken. Before Winter blows in and blankets the Earth with Her Stillness, rebels arise and show their glory. Suddenly there are new blooms. Mums introduce new colors and attract the butterflies that tarried a bit too long. Berries burst with ripeness so sweet that to see them is almost as good as to taste them. As the harvest is in progress, hidden life is securing itself beneath the soil, refusing to succumb to what appears to be its demise. Gone from sight, but not forgotten by Mother Earth. Root systems are expanding at a rapid rate. Bulbs silently protect the secrets within them. A hidden present for another time. Yes, I am an Autumn Soul. A Rebel Bloom, blossoming in an uncustomary shade, at an uncommon time. Bursting forth with Energy and Life, when others would rather sleep. Full of vitality, yet all the while hiding presents that I shall keep for another time. And beneath my surface I am growing and expanding rapidly in ways that can't be seen by the naked eye. And I am always willing to entertain any butterfly that has tarried a bit too long. For I am an Autumn Soul.

So, I called to make sure the child support had been posted onto my USA Reliacard...no, it has not. Why not? Well, I called to find out,and the reason is,there has been no payment towards child support in the last two weeks. Meaning, it will be a few weeks before my kids get any support-that is,if indeed The Troll had it with held this week, like he said he has done,AFTER five minutes of hollering at me for "bothering" him about it (and five minutes of hearing over and over that he paid support LAST week-which I never denied,but I guess I should have sent a Thank-You card). Two court rulings, and he is as far behind in Child Support as he was the LAST time a judge told him to pay up. And the truth is, if he EVER picked a kid up for so much as a Happy Hour Sonic Drink, I would have let the arrears be forgiven. But he hasn't done anything with these kids since he left in December of 2007. And now,once again, I am the one that has to say to them that we don't have the money for anything again this week. I am so tired of telling these kids that. So tired of listening to wishes that I can't fulfill. Of never getting to spring a surprise on them. It hurt so deep into my soul these past two Christmases, when they spent the entire holiday season visiting other homes with trees and presents and decorations and FOOD and DESSERTS, and then had to come home to....no presents, no tree, food being rationed...and saddest of all, not even a phone call from their dad on Christmas Day. And it sickens me knowing that if I had given in and "played the whore" like The Troll asked me to do, I could have gotten something out of him for them. He wanted to live away from the responsibilities of a family, yet continue a bedroom relationship with me. I just could not do that. The idea alone gags me. What a trashy thought. No, the kids and I are a "package deal", as well we should be to him. He just couldn't get it through his head WHY I wouldn't "come over and keep (him) warm", when he wasn't supporting or visiting the two kids that we brought into this world. That the way to my heart was (is) being a good father to those two. I have always found a man interacting well with a child quite enticing, it creates a desire in me that no man standing alone can bring forth. Perhaps that is odd. Perhaps not. But,to me, the interaction between a man and a child, how it flows, what rhythm it has, the tone of it...all says so very much about the man. So, I really should not be surprised with how this separation has unfolded. I felt like a "single" parent for years. Never went anywhere (other than work) without hauling two kids along. If I tried to, The Troll was so quick to point out to the kids,"your mother doesn't want to be bothered with taking you. She doesn't want you." Looking back I can see so much of the psychological torture the kids and I endured. And once I finally bucked, how it became unbearable. Once the "light went off" in my head and I started identifying it "on the spot" and having a counter attack (pointing it out then and there) The Troll got uglier and uglier. I tried to tell him,no matter how tame an animal is, once you back it into a corner and treat it roughly, the possibility of it lashing out increases dramatically (there is a lot we can learn from observing animals). As hard as it is right now, financially, not one of us is sorry for the separation. The kids had been asking me to "make him leave" or to "divorce him" for a couple of years, but, oh no, I explained to them over and over and over that I felt marriage was not something a person should walk out of. That, "yes, he is a butt, but he is OUR butt, and we need to stand by him and work through things." How I hope my dragging my feet did not harm them. Will he ever change ? I am beginning to get it through my head that the answer is "NO". He doesn't want to. If he is capable,which obviously he is, of hurting and neglecting his own kids, he has no heart left beating inside his chest. And it sickens me to even be in the same room as him. A most strange sensation. A sense of something diabolical has permeated the space around him, and clings there. Holly has even mentioned it to me. The man I once knew no longer is. Ugh! This is certainly not where I expected to be at this point in my life. Yet, I remind myself, I am still living better than 80% of the people on this earth. And I have more Creature Comforts than Jesus Christ Himself had when he walked this earth as a Man. I think I will stop my murmuring now. How shameful of me.

So I went for my every four week appointment with the Internal Medicine Specialist this afternoon. My primary "complaints" continue to be excessive sleepiness and fatigue. But the muscle weakness has progressively become more and more notable. Gone are my daily strolls with my Semper Fi. No more long walks along the nature trails. We don't wander around cotton fields or sniff through the soy bean fields. And,for me,this is hard to swallow. It was not that long ago I was RUNNING everyday. It was not too very long ago I was at peak performance with 5 hours of sleep a night. Oh, the major adjustments this "illness" has forced upon me. No doubt, all for my own (and others) good, or it would not be happening. But now I must explore the most recent bit of information given to me. I would find myself in a more optimal state of being in an arid/dry environment. The heat is fine, but humidity is known to increase muscle weakness and with an auto immune disease that is attacking muscles, I would fair better in a dry climate. Well.... Since this was once swamp land and since the Muddy Mississippi creates her fair share of seep water (still) what am I to do? I am not able to create some sort of climate controlled haven (besides, I am an OUTDOOR girl). So, what to do? What to do? My father is here, and I will ALWAYS be a Daddy's Girl. If I live to be 116 yrs. of age, I would still be a Daddy's Girl. And now that I am not able to work, how would I even fund a relocation effort? Then, I wonder, what if....what if I got somewhere else and faired so well I could work again!!!! Would that not be The Cat's Meow??? Then realism pushes her way in and reminds me of my bones, and other things. But my dreams...my dreams....not a single night passes that I don't find myself working and accomplishing things from by-gone days. I was one of the fortunate few. I was one that loved every job I ever had, that enjoyed my work and never resented working. I embraced it and loved it as if it were a living,breathing being. I was taught at a young age to give 150% and not to expect a single penny to be given to me that was not earned. By-gone days....but I still dance about in them each night as I sleep.

Every once in awhile I do have a fleeting thought that jerks me into awareness, making me take notice that I probably need to catch that thought before it gets away. That happened today. Right smack dab in the middle of a family crisis. My mind is funny like that. It chooses to stir at the oddest moments, but, oh well... So in the midst of chaos and confusion this thought goes flitting by which I can only best word as such: Basically, any fool can fumble their way through an occasional crisis situation. It's the day to day trials and challenges that demonstrate an individual's true character. Hmmm..... By jove, I think that it may be a good thing I was able to catch that one before it got away!

I was born on a Friday. So that makes me a Friday's Child. Not that it really has much meaning. The significance is simply that, well, that just happens to be the day of the week I was born. But when I really contemplate this simple little fact, it does seem fitting. Even if I did not know this for certain, and was asked to just speculate as to what day of the week my birth occurred, I would say Friday. Friday is somewhat an in between day. It is the end of the common 5 day school/work week. At the same time it is the beginning of the weekend. Actually, Friday seems to have a transformation that takes place within itself. The other days don't seem to do this. Monday is always the first day of the traditional school/work week. Saturday is always a weekend day. And Sunday is always Sunday. The day that has been set aside for rest and worship. True, it gets stuck at the beginning of the week on a printed calendar, but that is just print. Our actions and plans and the manner in which we address Sunday are very clearly stated, "Place it where you like on the calendar, but it is the second day of the weekend." Which, by default, makes it the last day of "our" week. But Friday? Friday is always ending something and always starting something. It has two functions. Wrap up the work week and birth the weekend. End/Start. They are opposites of one another. So here is Friday. Always having to follow two different duties. Okay, okay, where does the one end and the other begin? Ah, at different points of the day for different individuals. So, Friday is always having to juggle different commands. It is constantly being pulled in both directions. Some Fridays a person might be seeking just a few more hours to wrap up something at work. But then on other Fridays that same individual can be found racing around with the goal of beginning "their" weekend a few hours early. You can only stretch a rubber band so much, eventually it will snap. So, thus is the story of my life. Constant demise of one thing, and birth of another. Never certain exactly when to let go, when to enter in; which moment is the right moment. Pulled in both directions. Opposites. Both with their own natures. One must go, the other must begin. Over and over again. As the old saying goes, you can't have your cake and eat it too. But what about the wise words that caution us about the grass always being greener on the other side of the fence? Such is the constant dilemma of Friday's Child. Because there is always another side of the fence, no matter which side she might choose.

The day is almost over and its toiling time is thru; Is there anyone to utter a kindly word for you? Is a single heart rejoicing over what you did or said? Does a man whose hopes were fading now with courage look ahead? Did you waste the day or use it? Was it well or poorly spent? Did you leave a Trail of Kindness, or a Scar of Discontent? As you close your eyes in slumber do you think that God will say, You've earned one more tomorrow, By the work you did today??? ???

It has happened to me again. I sat here and spent over THREE HOURS pecking out a story, inside a little one inch square view box, on this phone,. Trying to share with my new friends, and others, the last 36 hours of my life, BEFORE collapsing in utter exhaustion, with hopes of several hours of sheer oblivion. And peck I did. And scroll up and down to proofread, and manipulate a cursor, that has a mind of its own, within the square box, until all the "I"s were doted and the "T"s were crossed. "Click here to Subnit" (so says the rectangular box that just so happens to be LARGER than the square box). Hah!!!! Submit, My Grits!!! Another Story of My Life in My Little Corner of The World is now ping-ponging about the atmosphere, no where to be seen for any reading enjoyment to any living breathing human in the here and now. Alas, I shall let go of it and trust God to make use of it as He chooses.

The day in court has come and gone. It was one of the longest days of my life.We were the last case to go before the judge. All day I had to remind myself that I could not give in to fatigue or illness,that I had to appear strong and poised. Don't let weakness break through and lessen your demeanor. And don't let anger grab a hold of you and become the driving force. You are here for the kids!!! That was my mantra all day. You are here to get them what is rightfully theirs. You are right and you know it. You see, squaring off with someone that has beaten you down for 25+ years can be a bit nerve racking. And sitting there all day long with him one bench over in the court room....looking cool and confident and appearing like a fine,upright person. Oh, I wanted to be somewhere else-briefly-until I reminded myself of my purpose. And then, my lawyer met with me to share his affidavit of expenses and I was astounded. In the last few months he has charged over nine thousand dollars on a Discover Card and taken out a bank loan for a couple thousand and also has a couple personal loans of a thousand dollars!!!! OMG!!! This man NEVER approved of charging if the kids or I wanted to order something from the Internet it was real simple-no,no,no. NEVER. And in the past few months he has not only not paid support, but has acquired twelve thousand + dollars of DEBT. FOR WHAT???? WHERE IS ALL THIS MONEY GOING??? Well, anyway,seeing that was like a shot in the arm for me. Instantaneous strength. So, our turn comes and my lawyer briefly questions me,then his lawyer starts asking about MY expenses. Don't I think one hundred dollars a month on vet bills is excessive. No,we have three cats and a dog-so flea control,heart worm prevention,and other medicine the dog takes adds up quickly. Well,the judge stops him and says something like, "Isn't this case about HIS failure to pay court ordered support that was just ordered May 15th,an amount of which he agreed to;and about him requesting a reduction in the court ordered amount?" His lawyer says "yes,your Honor" and the judge says "well then you are questioning the wrong individual,get your client up here..." So, that was the end of my time is the spotlight (whew!!!). And it took only about (at the most) ten minutes of him talking bull crap up there before the judge AGAIN interrupted (he did not do this in any other case all day) and said "I've heard enough. I rule for the plaintiff (me), he was court ordered to make payments,he did not,he is ordered to pay her the seven hundred dollars, his request to have the support payments lowered is denied,I see no reason why they should be..." And,he denied his request that I pay for his attorney. While he was on the stand I literally felt repulsed by his demeanor, his spewing for lie after lie, his nonchalant attitude about what he has done to these kids by failing to DO what he should be doing. "Oh no, it was not intentional. I did not deliberately not pay..." Well, what would you call simply going week after week without making a deposit? I guess he is so used to beating me down with BS and me shutting up (eventually) just to end an argument,that he thought he could get up there and weave various stories together (that usually contradict each other-like him saying he had to make monthly car payments then turning around and saying he sold the car)and the judge would just buy it all (like his mom does). After it all was done and I was speaking with Dan (my lawyer) I got teary eyed, from relief. I went to tell my sister good-bye and he had the nerve to come over to me and say, "now,don't cry..." As if he was trying to comfort me. All I said was that it never should have gone that far. Then he is like "I know it shouldn't have". And you know what, with him.... Knowing his deceitful nature and his lack of owning any faults...I am not even sure it IS over. I will NOT be surprised if he quits work and goes off the radar. Not surprised at all. The support money IS important,but more than that, these kids need SUPPORT. I asked Dan if there was anyway we could make him visit them. He said "no". How they must hurt!!! I can not even relate. How I grieve for them. How I wish I could DO something to ease their pain and worries. I love them so very much,with every fiber of my being,with every beat of my heart,with every breath that I take,with every decision that I make and with every dream that I dream. ALL that love and it is NOT enough to comfort them. They need their dad,too. I can't be that. I can't fill that void. How can he go day after day for a year and a half without involvement in their lives? It takes like 4 minutes to drive over here, what gives? How deep their sadness is, i see it and feel it daily. Will it ever stop???

Well, Cookie Sue's summer Buzz Cut is finally finished..I did her just little by little this summer. Just kept the trimmer plugged in and ready to go in the car port,so each time we came outside I would buzz a little off and then we would play ball. And she chooses the tennis ball even over food. So that helped to decrease the degree of stress for her.It.s not the being a bald puppy dog that she dislikes, it's the process of becoming a bald puppy dog that she frowns upon.She's a good girl,so she listens and stands there and allows me to do whatever I desire,but I can tell she is not happy. And hey, she gives me her Ever Faithful and Loyal Admiration and Respect-no questions asked, so why not do what I can to create happy times for her? Having always had cats I wasn't sure if I would be a successful dog keeper. The relationship is very different. Well,after five years of her by my side, I think I am just about as faithful,loyal,and dedicated to her as she is to me. We just Click-that's all there is to it. I am most grateful God created many creatures for us to love and respect (and learn from,no doubt). And so now my dog who usually wears a beautiful Artic Coat is running around here in the southern part of the U.S. bald.....and BEAUTIFUL!!!! (and protected with Water Babies sun screen and shade trees because her "mother" loves her so much)

Well,I did it! I finally admitted to the Assistant Pastor that I need to call in The Reserves. I sent him an e-mail with a bit more info about My Little Corner of The World and about The War of the Two Worlds that is being battled. I try not to ask too much of others and I remain quiet about much (most people don't need The Long Version), but I have come to this empasse and now need a Battle Plan that includes more Power and some Seasoned Soldiers....I will not let my silly pride get in the way of Success,not when I am in Battle for the welfare of The Two I Love Most. This is so much Bigger than just the happenings of today,or tomorrow or even next year. These issues are of Eternal Significance. And presently, I am weak. This ongoing shingles outbreak has weakened me,the connective tissue destruction has zapped about all my energy,the pain has weakened my patience,the pressures of everyday survival have depleted any reserve I may have had,SO...okay, The Other World wants to play like THAT???? So Be It, I'm calling in The Big Boys now. And so tonight, yes, I missed Sunday evening service,again. But it is with Peace in my Soul that I go to bed. Because I don't really have to "take care" of it. The Battle is really already won. And with that I shall Dream Wonderful Dreams and then arise to The Occasions that Need Addressed Tommorow well-rested and better able to do whatever I need to do as things unfold. Oh my, this bed may be old, but it can be oh! so comfy. Selah

I just spent a friggin hour spilling the blood from my very heart all over this Blog and then lost the whole entry because I got carried away and thought I's get cute and edit my mood and stuff also and the way the pages have to reload on this blackberry it wiped the entry out and I think everyone this side of the Mason Dixon line probably heard my exclamation (thank You,Lord that it was not vulgar). I spilled about The Troll and about almost losing The Boy last 4th of July and about The Porcelain Princess not taking her meds and on and on and on. Guess Providence decided it needed a good editing job. Alas, out witted by an electronic device named after a fruit. Imagine that.

So,still no reply from The Troll.Another weekend goes by and The Two I Love Most go unsupported financially or emotionally be their other parent.The Boy asked me a short time ago if I thought eventually "we just won't hear from him at all." Dare I tell him the hoops of fire I have had to jump through in the last year and a half to make The Troll remain in the picture?No one knows,for sure,where It is.It has not answered my earlier text messages about this being the first weekend of the month and the court ordered visitation is for Holly to be picked up at 6:30 on Friday and returned @ 6:30 on Sunday. Alas,The Two remain here,their pain being displayed as anger.And,ofcourse,I am Standing Alone in the Place of Impact.Guess they feel secure enough to "go Cherynobl" on me.Mom is not gonna leave.But,oh my goodness,those weak moments are so fretfully vivid.The times I want to just say,"BLank,Blank,blank" because I am withering away under the sadnessandgriefandstressandwantsanddemandsandneedsandproblemsandbillsandpastduenoticesanddoctor'sappointmentsandlaundryandshopppinf(withoutmoney)andanimal'svaccinesandschoolversushomeschoolissuesandsiblingrivalryrunrampidandlackofsupportandmebeingsickallthetimeandtryingtodowhatishardenoughforawellpersonandhavetohidetheweaknessandpainsomustgoforwardcan'gobackmustbethebestanddothenextrightthingpracticewwhatipreach....good thing,tho.Noticed Nora did read one of my comments.Have tried to see if she read the other one,about her daughter,but kinda get lost looking for my way around.All in good time.Surely an idiot like myself,with a 146 IQ, can eventually learn directions around the community.Tammy says The Troll's one claim to accomplishing something in life will be "I turned someone into a babbling idiot"...referring to me.She may be correct.Good grief,in 5 years I have lost my health,my profession,my lucrative career,my identity,my church (but found new one recently),my daily contact with the outside world,my ability to DO things (and being a project person this was a tough one),my income,my Beloved Love Of My Life(and I still blame myself and Rock for not identifying the Feline AIDs problem),and then It left(which was liberating because we were sick of his abusiveness)and now refuses to do what the courts said It is to do to help us survive. Alas,another day gone by,but I DO have The Two I Love Most,and my Semper Fi,and my little grandkittens,and The Feathered Ones,and the QueenLisa(ruling since Muffy's demise),so God has not let me out of His Loving Grasp.

Another Thursday whizzes by without The Troll meeting any. financial obligations in the care of these two human beings that It ignores. What am I saying?"Meeting any...." Not only does It not "meet" obligations,it does not even attempt to participate,make a "donation", acknowledge...I can't imagine the despair this is causing in their hearts.And I grieve,oh how I grieve for them. And I am so drained,so drained from trying to care for All that needs cared for. I struggle to even awaken, to continue this physical life in a body wracked with illness,disease,pain...But I HAVE to be victorious. I HAVE to. How else will they ever survive to even be able to have the opportunity to meet,greet and over come obstacles? But,today,well today gets (along with ME) a Big Fat "F". Not only did I fail to rise to the occasion,but I failed to take care of the stacked up bills,the paper work for the Child Support Agency,or our spiritual needs. I didn't even TRY to get up and shower to get Holly and I to church. I used the lack of gas money as an EXCUSE (it can not be even called a "reason") for not crawling out of bed.And just left Holly to enjoy Sara's visit without any spiritual guidance. They both need it-shame on me for not seeing that they received what they need more than anything. And shame on me for not feeling even worse than this.Why do I think it is okay to abuse the grace of my Lord? I should be willing to crawl to His House. And to think, others,even today,give their very lives to acknowledge Him. Indeed, I am without a doubt, amongst His least. And don't even deserve THAT honorable position.