Tired,Tired,Tired Do Somethings EVER change? | thornyasarose's Blog

So, I called to make sure the child support had been posted onto my USA Reliacard...no, it has not. Why not? Well, I called to find out,and the reason is,there has been no payment towards child support in the last two weeks. Meaning, it will be a few weeks before my kids get any support-that is,if indeed The Troll had it with held this week, like he said he has done,AFTER five minutes of hollering at me for "bothering" him about it (and five minutes of hearing over and over that he paid support LAST week-which I never denied,but I guess I should have sent a Thank-You card). Two court rulings, and he is as far behind in Child Support as he was the LAST time a judge told him to pay up. And the truth is, if he EVER picked a kid up for so much as a Happy Hour Sonic Drink, I would have let the arrears be forgiven. But he hasn't done anything with these kids since he left in December of 2007. And now,once again, I am the one that has to say to them that we don't have the money for anything again this week. I am so tired of telling these kids that. So tired of listening to wishes that I can't fulfill. Of never getting to spring a surprise on them. It hurt so deep into my soul these past two Christmases, when they spent the entire holiday season visiting other homes with trees and presents and decorations and FOOD and DESSERTS, and then had to come home to....no presents, no tree, food being rationed...and saddest of all, not even a phone call from their dad on Christmas Day. And it sickens me knowing that if I had given in and "played the whore" like The Troll asked me to do, I could have gotten something out of him for them. He wanted to live away from the responsibilities of a family, yet continue a bedroom relationship with me. I just could not do that. The idea alone gags me. What a trashy thought. No, the kids and I are a "package deal", as well we should be to him. He just couldn't get it through his head WHY I wouldn't "come over and keep (him) warm", when he wasn't supporting or visiting the two kids that we brought into this world. That the way to my heart was (is) being a good father to those two. I have always found a man interacting well with a child quite enticing, it creates a desire in me that no man standing alone can bring forth. Perhaps that is odd. Perhaps not. But,to me, the interaction between a man and a child, how it flows, what rhythm it has, the tone of it...all says so very much about the man. So, I really should not be surprised with how this separation has unfolded. I felt like a "single" parent for years. Never went anywhere (other than work) without hauling two kids along. If I tried to, The Troll was so quick to point out to the kids,"your mother doesn't want to be bothered with taking you. She doesn't want you." Looking back I can see so much of the psychological torture the kids and I endured. And once I finally bucked, how it became unbearable. Once the "light went off" in my head and I started identifying it "on the spot" and having a counter attack (pointing it out then and there) The Troll got uglier and uglier. I tried to tell him,no matter how tame an animal is, once you back it into a corner and treat it roughly, the possibility of it lashing out increases dramatically (there is a lot we can learn from observing animals). As hard as it is right now, financially, not one of us is sorry for the separation. The kids had been asking me to "make him leave" or to "divorce him" for a couple of years, but, oh no, I explained to them over and over and over that I felt marriage was not something a person should walk out of. That, "yes, he is a butt, but he is OUR butt, and we need to stand by him and work through things." How I hope my dragging my feet did not harm them. Will he ever change ? I am beginning to get it through my head that the answer is "NO". He doesn't want to. If he is capable,which obviously he is, of hurting and neglecting his own kids, he has no heart left beating inside his chest. And it sickens me to even be in the same room as him. A most strange sensation. A sense of something diabolical has permeated the space around him, and clings there. Holly has even mentioned it to me. The man I once knew no longer is. Ugh! This is certainly not where I expected to be at this point in my life. Yet, I remind myself, I am still living better than 80% of the people on this earth. And I have more Creature Comforts than Jesus Christ Himself had when he walked this earth as a Man. I think I will stop my murmuring now. How shameful of me.